The Thing That Drives You
Reader goal: Reflect on the evolution of your own drive.
I had my first panic attack when I was 12 years old. I was in the middle of a late night study session for an Earth Science exam when I was struck by a wave of nausea (and what I think were heart palpitations). It didn’t matter that I’d memorized my study guide cover to cover, or that I’d scored a nearly perfect score on my last science test.
The fear of falling short always pushed me forward.
I credit this fear of failure with many of my early academic achievements. It was a “necessary evil” that kept me up at night, but ultimately produced a win. Kids from Spanish Harlem don’t go to college with less than unparalleled effort. How else would I buy my mom a house, take care of my family, and never stress about money?
People think adversity builds grit. Deprivation lends itself to resourcefulness. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. But sometimes what doesn’t kill you leaves you wounded and unable to see a way forward. I shudder to think what might have happened if I hadn’t learned to soar.
These days I find myself less driven by a fear of failure and more driven by the pursuit of peace- a softer life for me and those I love. It looks like studying the intricacies of the human body so that I may serve others. It means working to separate my sense of self from academic accolades (a battle I’m still fighting). It looks like sustained efforts punctuated by stillness and reflection. Who am I? Why am I doing this? In retrospect, the pursuit of peace was always there; it just wasn’t my catalyst. Until now.
Melody (@mezonthemove), is a fourth-year medical student and online creator living in New York City.
